Epilogue

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I’ve fallen for every chapter of you that I know and even for those I have yet to read.

Your words twist and turn around my ears and amaze my soul. Like a cup of coffee, your thoughts awaken me.

As I flip through your pages, I understand them as if they were my own. My finger tips trace the minor flaws, the tears and rips, as they find home.

Hours, Days, Weeks, fly by like butterflies migrating. Their wings carrying the words I wish to say to you, but my voice is too weak to fly thousands of miles. We go for hours, days, weeks, without saying a word.

I try to move on, it’s too good to be true. It’s just a twisted fantasy. The thought that one day…

One day…

Although I never want to, I wonder if I should shut the book we started and turn away.

Yet, every time I’m remotely close to even choosing closure to save the both of us, you reel me back in; baiting me with your warm toned words, your cool laugh, your vibrant smile. And I wouldn’t want it any other way.

My heart skips a beat and I think to myself, “Maybe this time, there will be no silence. Maybe this time the story won’t end.”

An Open Letter to the Best Friend Who Dropped Me Like Nothing and Treats Me Like I Don’t Exist

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Dear Ex-BFF,

We had a fun time. We sent more text messages to each other than our significant others combined. We were attached to the hip or at least I thought we were. We were best friends, yet we had different personalities. That was totally cool. We all need the Yin to our Yang, and we were that to each other. There is that saying opposites attract, right? And we couldn’t be more like that. We were different, and who cares? I loved you like a sister and you became a part of my family. You were always at my place and I was always at yours.

I was so loyal to you. I would drop anything for you if you needed me for anything even the minuscule. At some point, you did the same for me. We would discuss boy troubles and how we could get over them. You helped me get through a bad date and I helped you with your relationship with your significant other at the beginning. We told each other, or at least I did, everything. Even the things we wouldn’t want anyone else to know. But then the friendship started to feel like work, like a job. I was always giving to you, trying to keep you in my life. I felt like I had to buy and work my way into the friendship. I would buy you food and give you a place to stay in order for you to be comfortable. I knew this wasn’t how a friendship was supposed to work, but I pretended not to care. I let you make stupid and sometimes insulting remarks about my life and lifestyle. I made so many excuses for your behavior, while I protected you from others. I ignored the toll that our friendship took on me, both mentally and physically. I started to question my self-esteem and what my own personal worth was. I began to gain a lot of weight. I began to think that this was okay for me.  I lost potential relationships. I chose to ignore it because you were the most important friend I had. Not only did this happen, our friendship that began on mutual likes and dislikes was now built mainly on gossip and it being convenient to you. You would complain about your life or how you’re unhappy and how it is never your fault. You looked for attention from anyone and I was always somehow that person that would try to comfort you.

One day, you decided to end our friendship without telling me. We were and are in different places now. I’ll admit I’m busy. You’re probably busy too. Did I not give you enough attention? Did you feel abandoned? And if you were ever hurt by me, I’m truly sorry for that was never my intention. Now I feel hurt, even confused. How can we go from sisters to complete strangers who periodically view each others Snapchats and Instagrams? And if you do view my posts, you passive-aggressively make replies that seem to target me. The friendship we had meant a lot to me, but after so much thought, I know now it was never important to you. Maybe to me, it was special, but I guess that same feeling didn’t reside with you. This hurt eventually turned into anger within me. A lot of things have happened in my life, some scary, like when I dealt with a very serious situation, and some not so much. But where were you? Did you even try to care? Not even a short ‘Hello’ or Facebook message. Do I mean that little to you? Or did I always mean that little to you and you only were friends with me when you needed something? The worst, absolute worst part of all of this is that I have no idea and probably never will, about what I did to cut me out? It just kind of just happened.

Do I regret our friendship? Not at all. It was a great thing; it just became unpredictable. I wish you the absolute best in all that you do. I truly do, for I know how hard you work for the things you want. I’m not angry anymore, not even bitter. I’ve accepted that you no longer wanted to be friends whatever the reason may be.

With all these things being said, I must say, ‘Thank you.’ Thank you for teaching me the signs of a ‘user’, better yet a person who would use me for their own benefit. Thank you for showing me the good parts of a friendship that I should look for. Thank you for being the friend I thought I needed.

 

 

 

Blindly Waiting

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Attached below is a poem that I have written about someone that is very close to my heart, but not even close to me.

“You’ve touched me, without even touching me.” – Rupi Kaur, Milk and Honey

Fall 2015.

New job and new semester, I was waiting for my person to appear.

“You’ll meet ‘him’ in college”, they said, and I lay waiting.

Bored and uninterested, I log on.

An hour passes,

We met. One screen to the other.

You were the first person I saw who wasn’t ready to bust out of his pants.

Your cool smile and even cooler personality chilled my fiery suspicion.

15 minutes, 

Is all it takes for us to decide to keep in touch.

We can’t get get enough of each other, yet we’ve never received.

I smile as I surrender to your brown eyes.

More than a year later…

And you can still put me in that “giggly school girl mood”.

Though we’ve never touched, I can feel your fingertips trace my skin.

Your lips brush against mine. Your arms grabbing me closer.

Few months longer…

You’ve moved to a different country, a different continent, a crisp jungle.

Here I am, still in the same place. My feet cemented in the California pasture.

My legs unable to move and my arms unable to reach.

1 month, 0 days, 6 hours, 7 minutes, 25 seconds.

That’s how long it’s been since we’ve both seen that chat bubble with the three dots flickering on the screen.

I feel as though I’ve known you forever and that we share more than just our first name.

12 hours. Half a day. No sleep.

We’ve never touched, yet I have memorized your touch.

Here I am laying in bed, blindly waiting for your embrace.